Motherhood, Susan Style
by She Who Shines
Summary: Some think Susan would make a terrible mother, others a great one. In reality, she's a bit of both. This chronicles Susan's adventures in attempting to manage the death/human hybrids she created through a series of oneshots set after 'Cheating Fate'
1. Better Than Knitting, At Least

**Author's Notes:**** If you haven't read _One Dangerous Game_ and _Cheating Fate_, this will probably be slightly confusing to say the least. Read, review, and enjoy!**

BETTER THAN KNITTING, AT LEAST

At least she wasn't knitting.

Here was Susan, Duchess of Sto-Helit, sitting in a rocking chair while her children played in the other room. She'd sworn to herself that this would never happen. She'd never 'settle down' and raise 'little ones'. And she never, ever would ever, _ever_ lounge in a rocking chair.

But at least she wasn't knitting.

The twins ran out down the hall, eyes wide. Edward's blond curls bobbed around his head, while he and his black and slick haired brother ran up to their mother. They tugged her dark skirt, looking terrified.

"Mommy, Mommy," Edward managed, his voice dripping with panic. "Mommy, you must help us!" he called.

"_What_ is it?" Susan asked, sighing inwardly.

At least she wasn't knitting.

"_Charlotte's _coming!" Johnny replied. "_Charlotte, _Mother Dearest, and she is _not _happy," the black-haired boy said, shaking his head gravely.

The sound of heavy footsteps came down the hall, and both boys dashed behind Susan's rocking chair before she could blink – faster than she could see, even. The duchess of Sto-Helit sighed, pursing her lips. They were right little Teatimes, those boys.

Charlotte came down the hall, a huge, deceptively sweet grin plastered to her face. Her fists were clenched, and her hair a huge, curly, black and white mass floating about her pale face.

"Hi, Mommy!" she called. "Would you _please _point me in the direction of my dear, _sweet _brothers?"

Susan narrowed her eyes.

"What did they do?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing, Mommy. I just want to see them and talk to them."

Charlotte smiled brightly.

"Charlotte, what did I tell you about lying?"

Her grin faltered.

"I'm _not, _Mommy," she answered as innocently as she could (which was pretty darn).

"Charlotte Ysabell Teatime," Susan said warningly in a stern voice as she dipped her head.

The nine-year-old girl stomped her foot angrily, scowling.

"I just want to use the **Voice **on them, Mommy!" she whined. "I want to use the **Voice **and scare them to bits and bits!"

"Don't whine. Whining – "

Two heads poked out from either side of the rocking chair, one curly and gold, the other slick and black.

"...is for annoying little babies," they finished in unison, Johnny chiming it charmingly with an eery grin and Edward reciting it from memory like the golden rule.

"_You!_" Charlotte called as she lunged at her brothers, who scattered in fear.

HALT! Susan yelled. There was silence as all three children looked up at their mother, worry flashing through their faces for half a second.

The duchess sighed.

"Alright. What happened here?"

Everyone started talking at once.

Susan shook her head with a sad sigh.

At least she wasn't knitting.


	2. Silence Is Not A Good Sign, At All

**Author's Notes:**** I warn you, this chapter is why this story is rated 'T' (I went a little crazy writing it, haha). Well, this chapter and the fact that most the people in this story (a bit Charlotte, and all the way for Johnny and Teatime) are practically insane. Hope you enjoy it anyhow, even though it _does _get a little creepy, and don't forget to review!**

SILENCE IS NOT A GOOD SIGN. AT ALL

_Silence... _Susan sighed happily in her head, leaning back in her rocking chair. She'd always wondered why so many women used such a device, but now she knew. It was cozy, relaxing, and the constant movement helped one stand the stress of motherhood. But there wasn't any stress right now, thank goodness. Only quiet. The duchess was so happy for that, when suddenly, she realized something.

"_SILENCE!_" she called in shock, only now realizing the full implications of that state of being. She stood to her feet resolutely, grabbing the poker and marching to Charlotte's room in one, firm movement. The demons (aka her children) always gathered there to plot their devious deeds.

Susan swung the door open, and three small heads snapped her way – one of fourteen years, the others a little over thirteen. Charlotte and Johnny smiled big, bright, and innocent smiles. Edward raised a brow.

"Hi, Mommy!" Charlotte chimed.

"What are you all doing?" Susan asked, scanning each of her children with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, absolutely _nothing, _Mother dear," Johnny said with an eerie grin. "We're just _talking_."

"We've been discovered," Edward pointed out, crossing his arms. It was near impossible to take him seriously with his thick, golden curls – but one quickly realized that if they _didn't, _they were in for a load of trouble. "No use pretending. You know she'll figure us out; Mother is very, very clever."

Johnny and Charlotte exchanged a glance, and then nodded. Slowly, the three siblings stood from the floor in a line, the girl in the middle and a boy on either side. Edward took in a deep breath.

"Mother: my sister, brother and I have been talking, and we have come to a conclusion," he said seriously.

"Have you, now?" Susan asked, shifting her weight to one leg and crossing her arms suspiciously.

"Yes, Mommy dear," Charlotte said with an emphatic nod. "It has taken much thought and deliberation, but we have most definitely decided."

"And what, may I ask, have you decided _on?_"

Johnny grinned.

"Mommy, we want another sibling!"

Susan's eyes widened in horror.  
"On, no! Not on your life, Jonathan! NEVER!" she said adamantly. "Do you know how hard it is dealing with your father _alone?_ Do you know how stressful it is to add _you _all into the mix? You two are my last additions to this world, Jonathan and Edward Teatime. _Sorry_."

"But Mother, you won't even know that this next baby's _there,_" Charlotte protested. "We'll change the baby's diapers..."

"...And we'll bathe the baby, too," Edward added.

"...And we'll play with him or her _constantly_," Johnny finished. "All you'll have to do is conceive the child – " Susan snorted " – carry the baby for approximately nine months, and feed him or her until weaning."

"What made you all decide on this?" she asked in disbelief.

Charlotte and Johnny grinned as she threw her arms over her brothers' shoulders, one on each side, and Edward smirked. The boys leaned into their older sister smugly, like a vampire would against a wall.

"We're a _team, _Mommy," Susan's only daughter explained.

"We're Sto-Helit Teatimes!" Edward added.

"There's no one in the world so wonderful as my brother and my _dear _sister," Johnny finished.

"You do know that these are the same boys who broke your favorite doll, don't you, Charlotte?" Susan sighed.

"Skirmishes; mere trivialities," she answered dismissively. "As we were saying, Mommy dearest, we are a group, a team – we are _brethren_. But we are also few, and we want _more _playmates."

"Can't you go find yourselves some _friends?_" Susan asked desperately.

Johnny's eyes widened in horror, shaking his head so slowly. He looked like his father had when she'd accused him of looking up dolls' dresses.

"How could you _suggest _such a thing, Mother?" he called.

"How could anyone come close to the pure perfection of my brothers?" Charlotte asked in shock.

"We want more of us Sto-Helit Teatimes," Edward explained. "Not some anybody off the _street!_"

Susan let out an exasperated breath, slapping her forehead in despair.

"Have your own baby!" she called. "It's _not happening!_"

Charlotte clapped excitedly, releasing her brothers.

"Oh, Mommy, that's an _excellent _idea! _I _could have a baby!" she chimed.

Johnny's nose wrinkled.

"I don't think so, Charlotte," Edward said, touching her shoulder and gazing at her sternly. "No boy's coming _near _you."

"_You're _a boy," she bit back, crossing her arms and making a scornful face.

Johnny snapped around to her other side in a flash, resting his chin on his sister's shoulder. Her hair floated about his face, happy to have such familiar contact with its brother. He grinned eerily at her.

"Charlotte," he chirped cheerfully, "anyone who wants to experience sexual intercourse with you I will personally gut and cleave. That is, of course, assuming Daddy doesn't get to him first."

Susan glared at her son.

"Jonathan! What did I tell you about violence?"

"That it's always the answer!" he laughed charmingly.

Susan opened her mouth to scold him, but Edward tugged on her sleeve before she could, looking up at her seriously. When he'd gotten there, she didn't know. But she was used to such things, and it didn't give her half the headache that it used to.

"It's _not _always the answer, actually, is it, Mommy?" he asked seriously. "Johnny keeps telling me it is, but he's wrong."

Susan rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Of course there are other answers beyond violence! What is wrong with you, Jonathan?"

"He's his father's son, that's what," Charlotte shrugged.

Johnny switched shoulders in a blink of an eye, watching the side of his sister's face.

"You know, speaking of the baby again..."

"There won't _be _a baby!" Susan shrieked.

"I might not object if Edward or I were the father."

Susan blinked. Susan's heart stopped. Susan screamed. Her children ignored her.

"Oh, what an _excellent _idea, Johnny!" Charlotte called happily, clapping. "That way the baby will be completely a Sto-Helit Teatime, no mixed other person off the street involved!"

"Incest?" Susan managed. "You're not seriously thinking about – "

"Don't worry, Mommy," Charlotte said sweetly. "It's not like I actually plan to have a romantic relationship with my brothers – but who better is there for me to create a child with but my dear ones?"

"_And,_" Edward added, nodding profusely, "the baby will be created by our team alone! No silly adults in the mix."

The children were all nodding excitedly, looking very pleased and sure of themselves.

NO! NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Susan called desperately.

They all glanced up at their mother in surprise.

JONATHAN! EDWARD! the duchess demanded.

"Yes, Mommy?" they said, Edward seriously, Johnny with a huge, innocent grin.

TAKE FIVE STEPS AWAY FROM YOUR SISTER! NOW!

Reluctantly, they did.

NOW CHARLOTTE.

"Yes, Mommy?"

I'M ORDERING YOU TO START KNITTING!

"But Mommy – "

ANYTHING, _ANYTHING _IS BETTER THAN THIS SORT OF TALK FOR YOUR SPARE TIME. NOW BE BLOODY GOOD, YOU BLOODY CHILDREN! I'M TAKING A BLOODY BATH!

Susan marched off, rubbing her aching head. When Teatime came home, he was getting _quite _a talking to. Maybe the little monsters would listen to _him_.

Back in Charlotte's room, three children grinned at one another.

"Well, we thoroughly freaked dear Mommy out!" the girl chimed happily.

Johnny nodded excitedly.

"I can't _wait _'til Daddy gets home!"

Edward smirked, leaning up against the side of his sister's bed. He couldn't either.


	3. Without Warning, And I Mean NONE

**Author's Notes: I love writing these kids. They're so darn _fun. _I guess I really have nothing to say besides the usually read, enjoy, and review, so please do!**

WITHOUT WARNING – AND I MEAN *NONE*

"_...So cold and alone, Esmeralda raised her sword, ignoring the blood spewing down her cheeks, ignoring the slit in her stomach, ignoring the pain welling up inside her and the salty tears pouring down her frozen face. She stood tall, preparing to fight the..._" Charlotte continued, sitting in a cozy armchair with her black-streaked white hair in a loose ponytail, her long, shifting curls swaying and wriggling, but mostly calm as they fell down her back to her waist.

She leaned over the novel, reading the words and letting them pour from her pale, thin, yet well defined lips. Susan sat on the carpeted ground with Edward curled up on her lap, and Jonathan lying on his stomach resting his chin on his hands. Both boys stared dreamily up at their sister, reverent looks of admiration on their faces. Charlotte was a goddess to them, the embodiment of perfection. Certainly, they had their skirmishes, but she was their older sister, and something they looked up to.

Susan found her fingers twined in her son's curly hair, and tried to stop herself unsuccessfully. Edward was so _big _now, and she found that hard to live with. Thankfully, he didn't seem to mind, and she allowed herself the small pleasure of fiddling with his locks.

Charlotte was an excellent reader, able to carry away her listeners into a world of magic and mystery (not that they didn't already live in one, but this was a world of magic and mystery where the good guys always won, which really was something special). She spoke clearly and slowly, and Susan enjoyed almost nothing more than sitting with _her _boys and listening to _her _daughter. It made all the terror, worry, stress, anger, and frustration of motherhood worth it, these few moments alone.

A climax was at last reached, Charlotte's voice rose in suspense, everyone's bodies tensed...

Charlotte looked up from the book and smiled brightly.

"I'm hungry, Mommy," she said. "What's Daddy making for dinner right now?"

Suddenly she was screeching. Susan glanced around wildly, only barely noticing the black-haired boy tugging his sister's ponytail behind the cozy armchair.

"Please _do _go on, Charlotte dear," he whispered in her ear.

Susan stood to her feet angrily.

"Jonathan Teatime – !" she called sternly.

"Yes, Susan darling?" Teatime said from behind her. The duchess whirled around in surprise, seeing her husband there. She rolled her eyes. "Not _you, _Teatime," she explained, "the _other _one."

When she turned around, Edward was directly beside his twin.

"Release my sister this instant, Johnny," he said sternly, glaring at the other.

"But I just _love _feeling her hair _wriggle..._" Johnathan (Jr.) replied.

"Thank most _dearly _for you help, Eddy," Charlotte managed, eyes skewed shut in pain, "but I'll take care of him myself."

"No, no you won't," Edward said, and punched his brother square in the nose. That was the plan, at least. In a flash, Jonathan was directly behind him, dragging his sister with him, only now he had a poker clashing down over Edward's head.

Charlotte, however, wasn't about to stand around and do nothing. She twisted, ignoring the sharp agony searing through her head, and bit her brother's arm _hard. _This threw off his blow enough to give Edward the time needed to grab the toasting fork and block. A few seconds later and both brothers were locked in a skilled duel (Susan had made certain that her children were well educated in the art of the sword, and with Death's Granddaughter and Teatime for teachers, how could they _not _become masters?). Charlotte squealed in excitement, clapping happily. She grasped the tongues and swung at Edward in a smooth, graceful movement. The three fought for approximately ten seconds before their respective fireplace implements tangled, and they collapsed in a laughing, grinning heap on the floor. Charlotte stood to her feet, giggling with her arms tight around her brothers.

"Oh, that was _fun, _my dear, dear friends!" she squealed.

Johnny tugged a fist full of her hair playfully, knotting the three together even more.

"Oh, yes – _very..._" he agreed.

Edward smirked.

"Admit it, Johnny – I could beat you any day."

"I _sincerely _doubt it. What do you think, Charlotte? Eddy or _I?_"

"I think _I'd_ lick you both!"

Susan looked up at Teatime helplessly.

"Gods help me," she managed. "What are these monsters?"

Teatime touched her cheek, grinned devilishly, kissed her softly, then met her eyes.

"I rather like them. They're so... _unpredictable._"

"That's one way to put it," Susan agreed dryly.


	4. Dinner With the Teatimes I

**Author's Notes: There'll be a 'Dinner With the Teatimes' every fear years, or more often if I feel like it. But this is just the first, thus the 'I' next to the title.**

DINNER WITH THE TEATIMES I

The Teatimes were in Sto-Helit, since it was summer and Susan didn't have any work. The children loved nothing more than to run wild in the rolling hills and to play hide and seek in the many passages and twists of the keep, and they didn't waste a moment of their time here. Now, however, Teatime and Edward had finished preparing dinner together (the children took turns helping their father) and everyone was sitting around the table, starting to eat.

Charlotte daintily tasted the souffle, looked thoughtful, then brightened and smiled at her brother and father.

"Simply lovely, Eddy, Daddy, dears," she chimed. "_Divine_."

"Why thank you, Charlotte," Teatime replied with a bright grin. Edward simply smiled a small, prideful smile.

"I'm glad you find it pleasing," he said.

"Do you know when Granddad will visit again, Mommy dear?" Johnny asked curiously. "It's been so _very _long since I've last seen him."

Susan raised a brow dryly.

"It hasn't been a week, Jonathan," she answered as she helped herself to more of the souffle. It really _was _good.

"Yes, so _very _long," Johnny agreed with an emphatic nod.

"I'vemissed him, too, Mommy," Charlotte put in.

Susan sighed.

"I don't know. He said something about coming by for Soul Cake Tuesday."

Teatime's eyes glinted in excitement.

"Do you think it's possible – "

Death's granddaughter glared at her husband.

"Jonathan, if you even _go _there I will personally – "

"_Mommy!_" Charlotte called, eyes wide and voice incredulous. "How _could _you?"

"What?" Susan asked, her voice tinged with traces of confusion.

"You forgot the rule, Mother," Edward explained. "No discussions or insinuations of violence at the table."

Susan had made that rule to avoid puking out whatever she'd eaten directly after dinner. It really was very troublesome and annoying, and somehow their conversations almost always turned to such things.

"I was _going _to _say,_" Susan glared, "that I will personally shave your head. That's not violence."

Charlotte chewed her lip thoughtfully.

"Are you sure, Mommy?" Edward asked diplomatically, tasting his food. He sounded like some kind of curious philosopher, but the effect was completely ruined when one looked up at him, with his bright, golden curls and childish face. He hated that, but didn't let that show in his voice. "Think about it from the hair's perspective. A sharp object coming and severing you from the thing you grew out of – it seems rather violent to me."

Susan took in a long, deep breath.

"He _does _have a point, Susan dear," Teatime mentioned. "And _I _wasn't going to start talking about violence, _either_. I was going to suggest that we put together some kind of hunt for the children."

Charlotte clapped excitedly, while Susan wondered when 'hunt' had stopped being considered a violent word.

"Oh, yes, please _do, _Daddy!" she called, then turned to her mother. "He could make chocolates, and you both could hide them, and leave clues, and the twins and I could go searching!"

Johnny rested his chin on his fist and his elbow on the table with a thoughtful grin.

"That _would _be fun, Charlotte, wouldn't it?"

"No elbows on the table, Johnny," Susan chastised automatically. "Pass the mashed potatoes, Edward. Gravy, Teatime," she took the food and piled it onto her plate, hoping to distract herself from her family. "...Thank you," she mumbled.

"Oh, yes, it'd be _brilliant_. What do you think Eddy, darling?" Charlotte asked.

He shrugged.

"I suppose it'd be fun. I get dibs on the poker, though. I don't want to get stuck with the toasting fork again."

Susan blinked.

"Who said anything about pokers?" she asked in confusion.

The children glanced at one another and shook their heads, before turning back to their mother.

"Don't you _know, _Mommy?" Charlotte asked.

"Know what?" Susan was getting a little agitated.

"There's _always _a poker, Mother dear," Johnny explained, sounding very much like he was _humoring _her.

"_What?_"

Edward raised a brow.

"Mother, what my siblings are trying to convey is that everything comes to a climax at some point, and that climax always – "

"_Always,_" Johnny and Charlotte added for emphasis.

" – _always _involves fireplace implements. I just happen to like the poker the best," the blond boy answered nonchalantly.

"We _all _just happen to like the poker best," Susan's daughter corrected.

Teatime nodded thoughtfully, taking some mashed potatoes himself.

"I've never heard truer words," he agreed. "Simply _everything _comes down to fireplace implements."

"What is the matter with you people?" Susan shrieked.

Everyone's heads shot towards her. Slowly, Death's granddaughter looked at each of them. There was Charlotte; hair in a long, loose ponytail. Or at least she was trying to make it so; it was obviously trying to wriggle out, and there were a few escaped curls twisting around her face. She was smiling warmly at her mother. There was Johnny; black, slick hair sparkling in the light of the dining room. He was still resting his chin on his fist, and he too was grinning eerily. He looked so gentlemanly, and would make one hell of a vampire, Susan thought. Then there was Edward; arms crossed, brow raised, leaning back in his chair curiously as he stared at her. Take away the blonde curls, shift his face a bit, make him a girl and – POW! You had Susan. He was by far the most sensible and least insane out of all of the schoolteacher's children, for certain – and if he only would stop _going along _with what the others did, he'd be her favorite down pat (well, maybe not _really_, but he'd be quite a breath of fresh air). Then there was Teatime, simply beaming as he gazed at Susan happily. She still didn't get why he loved it when she yelled so much.

"Yes, Mommy/Susan, dear?" they all chimed (minus Edward, who said it more curiously and without the 'dear').

Death's granddaughter took in deep breath.

"Oh never mind..."

She shook her head. _Why _did she love them all so darn much?


	5. Switch

**Author's Notes:**** This chapter was the most fun to write out of this entire story, so far. I'm having such a blast with this! I hope it's half as much fun to read as it was to write, and please do review!**

SWITCH

Charlotte, now fifteen years old, sat with her lips pursed in determination and long hair down – rather than in its now customary ponytail. Her long, curling locks swam about her head as if in water as she slowly stroked her harp, listening to the notes glide out into the air. She smiled in satisfaction as the melody echoed out of her twisting, dancing fingers.

Out of the corner of her eye, she was aware of Edward entering the room. It was near impossible to miss his curly head, but he was moving a lot more smoothly than he he usually did, each step a dance.

Charlotte nodded at her harp and looked up at her brother with a cheerful grin as she played.

"Hi, Eddy!" she chirped. Edward grinned back at her eerily. His sister blinked; he normally would have smirked, or crossed his arms, or raised a brow... but _grin?_ "Are you all right?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, no worries there, Charlotte dear. I'm _perfectly _fine," he answered as he sat beside her. "You certainly play _beautifully_."

"Thank you," she replied, turning back to the silver strings of her pretty harp. "I still don't see what you find so challenging about it. Johnny gets music most grandly."

Edward grinned and shrugged, flipping his palms up.

"I guess I just don't have the... _knack_," he answered cheerfully.

Charlotte would never admit it, but she was beginning to feel a little unnerved. He wasn't acting like he she knew he _should_.

"You don't sound like yourself, Eddy," she mused thoughtfully, not allowing her unease to show. "You sound so much more like Daddy than you usually do, kind of like..." and then it hit her, "..._JOHNNY!_"

It was too late, though. She let her guard down around Edward like she never (_never!_) would around Johnny, and he was devil quick. In a flash, he was dragging her by the hair and grinning.

"Got me, Charlotte!" he chimed.

"Let me go, you dirty brat!" she giggled in shrieks.

Just then, the door to the parlor slammed open (which, of course, is only possible for Sto-Helits) and someone who looked just like Johnny, but stood just like Edward (who, in turn, stood just like Susan) entered the room with a fire in his eyes.

"Where's my evil twin brother!?" he called angrily, then noted the scene before him. "Let Charlotte go right now!" he warned. She screeched as her other brother twisted his fist in her hair.

"You like doing this far too much, Johnny!" she shrieked.

"But I don't _want _to," Johnathan (Jr.) called back to his brother.

Charlotte stamped hard on his foot – or at least attempted to. He somehow managed to dance out of the way. The girl spun around tried to bite his arm, but he twisted her hair and she spun right back. Edward (in Johnny's body) stalked up to the two of them and pulled out a poker, pointing it at his brother's throat.

LET. GO. RIGHT. NOW, he demanded.

"Oo, the _**Voice**__!_" the other laughed excitedly.

About then is when Susan entered the room, seeing what looked like Edward seriously contorting Charlotte's body while simultaneously ripping her lovely hair out, and what looked like Johnny holding a poker to the other's throat.

Susan rolled her eyes.

"Alright. What is it _now?_" Death's granddaughter asked. "And why on earth are you pulling your sister's hair, Edward? You've always been the good one."

"It's not Eddy, Mommy!" Charlotte called, then shrieked as her brother twisted her hair again. "Just _stop _it, Johnathan, or I'll poker your eyes out!"

"And I'll skewer your throat!" the other boy added darkly.

"Everyone," Susan ordered, "take a step back from everyone else." NOW, she put in, for extra emphasis.

No one moved. She sighed.

"Johnny, what are you doing in your brother's body?" the schoolteacher asked in exasperation. It was absurd, but with _her _life, this was everyday stuff.

"Ask _Edward _what he's doing in _my _body," Johnny replied.

Susan rolled her eyes, but knew better than to get into an argument with _that _child. You might as well try to out logic the illogical notions of his father face to face. Besides, Edward would most likely be cooperative.

"_Alright, _then; Edward, what are you doing in Johnny's body?"

"I thought people would be more likely to take me seriously if I looked like he did, and he said he didn't care if he looked like I did, so we looked up some kind of a spell to make us switch. I should have _known _he'd go and do something like _this_," his eyes flashed dark and frightening, his face growing shallow and bone-like for half a second. "No wonder he wouldn't let me ask Charlotte to help us! You _planned _on this, didn't you!?"

Johnny grinned sheepishly, and Susan almost screamed – she'd never realized how much Edward resembled his father, since his posture and inflections were so much more like _her_. But seeing Jonathan (Jr.) – who was probably the most similar to Teatime of all of the children – there in Edward's form... well, if that wasn't a Teatime way back when before he grew up, she didn't know what _was_.

"Yes, Edward dear, I'm afraid that's true," Johnny replied cheerfully. "But at least it's not some big mastermind plot to take over the disc like I _could _have come up with. I'm just _playing _with my _sister_."

Charlotte crossed her arms and huffed as best she could with her back arched most uncomfortably. Susan pursed her lips grouchily.

"Drop the poker, Edward. Release your sister, Johnny."

"But _Mommy –_ " Johnny nearly whined.

"I shall not 'til he does, Mother," Edward answered sternly. "If I do _he'll _be in control."

In a blur, Johnny pulled the poker from his twin's outstretched hand and in one smooth movement held it at Charlotte's throat, who promptly rolled her eyes.

"Who's in charge _now?_" Johnny asked antagonistically.

There was a glint, somewhere in the air, as firelight hit something silver flying across the room. What happened next was not a blur, or a flash – it just _was, _with no 'in between'. It was strange, how all of a sudden, Charlotte was behind her brother, fingers tangled painfully in his stolen blond curls and wrenching his head back, a small, practical, and sharp knife pressed to his throat and just barely not drawing blood.

"_I _am," she whispered in his ear, then twisted his locks in vengeance. Johnny grinned the pain away.

"That's more like it, Charlotte," he managed, if somewhat strained, to bring cheer to his voice. "This is why I love you."

She kissed his cheek.

"I love you, too."

Edward crossed his arms and frowned in agitation.

"I _was _the one defending you, Charlotte!" he protested grouchily.

She glanced up at him and grinned, then threw Johnny across the room by his hair. She spread her arms wide (knife still in the hand of one) and tried to envelope her brother in an embrace. He smirked and caught the wrist holding the dagger, flicking it from her hand as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm not stupid, Charlotte," he whispered as he hugged her, her hair clinging to him like seaweed.

Susan whirled around, glaring at the husband she knew to be there, lurking in the shadows.

"What'd I tell you about giving the children knives?!" she growled. It was obvious that he'd tossed the spunky girl the weapon.

He grinned.

"Oh, but _Susan,_" Teatime answered, "I couldn't very well leave my daughter _defenseless, _could I? Besides, _you _let them have pokers. It's only _fair_ that I should get to teach them proficiency with my weapon of choice as well."

Susan snorted. The Assassin took his wife's hand and kissed it.

"See, Susan?" he said, holding her hand with one of his own and using the other to point at the children, who were now sitting beside one another and listening to Charlotte play _Greensleeves _on the harp. "They love each other very much, and they know enough not to hurt the other on accident. Permanently, at least," Teatime amended at the duchess's incredulous gaze.

"It's not the accidentsthat I'm worried about, Jonathan," she replied dryly. "It's the '_accidents_'."

"As I said," he answered, "they love each other very much. You don't have to worry about them permanently damaging the others. They just have the same sense of _fun _as we do."

"As _you _do, you mean," Susan corrected.

"No," he answered. "I'm pretty sure you have the same one. You _did _marry me."

"If I didn't I'd have died!" Death's granddaughter countered.

"Yes, but you _have _said you loved me."

"Wish I knew _why_," she grumbled.

Teatime kissed her cheek.

"I'm glad you do," he whispered in her ear. "Because I love you too."

She pursed her lips to hide the small smile that threatened to spread across her face, realized she couldn't, and allowed it to show. He grinned back in reply, and Susan stepped towards her children, clapping loudly.

"Alright, you lot! Edward, Johnny, I want you to show me _exactly _which spell you used so we can put you both back where you belong, and Charlotte, I want the knife back."

"But Edward disarmed me," she answered innocently. "Remember?"

Teatime somehow managed to show up directly beside her in the blink of an eye, grinning as he slid a dagger from the inside of her sleeve. Susan raised a brow and crossed her arms as the Assassin examined the blade, clucking patronizingly.

"Come now, Charlotte," he said, shaking his head. "What'd your mother tell you about lying?"

"But I _want _a knife like _you _have!" she called.

"_Charlotte_," Edward warned her, eyes serious. "Don't go there just yet." He glanced around in surprise. "Where'd Johnny go?"

The remaining Teatimes searched the room wildly with their eyes for a full three seconds. Susan threw her arms into the air.

"You've _got _to be _kidding _me!" she called in despair.


	6. Hell of a Hogswatch

**Author's Notes:**** And Death makes a cameo appearance (here's where you cheer)! Okay, here y'are. Another little blip into Susan's crazy, crazy life. ENJOY (and do review)!**

HELL OF A HOGSWATCH

There was a distinct snapping sound. Susan turned abruptly, seeing her scythe-bearing grandfather tall behind her. She placed her hands on her hips and nodded.

"Happy Hogswatch, Granddad," she said amiably.

A PLEASANT MIDWINTER FESTIVAL TO YOU AS WELL, SUSAN, he replied.

"Hi, Granddad!" Charlotte chimed. Death turned around, seeing his great-granddaughter down the hall. She ran up to him excitedly, smiling broadly. "Happy Hogswatch!"

AND TO YOU. WHERE ARE YOUR BROTHERS, CHARLOTTE? he asked curiously.

"_I'm _right here, Grandfather," Johnny's voice called. Death turned around again (he had to do a lot of that whenever he visited), seeing his grandson.

"And I'm over here," another voice said, to the left. Thankfully, the reaper only had to turn his head to see the curly haired Edward.

AH, EDWARD, JONATHAN. HAPPY HOGSWATCH!

Johnny grabbed the skeleton's arm and peered around him.

"Have any presents, Granddad?" he asked curiously, grinning brightly.

Susan pursed her lips, giving her son a stern glare.

"Jonathan," she said in a low, warning voice.

He nodded emphatically, and managed to pop up directly in front of Death.

"I'm_ dreadfully _sorry!" he said. "Would you like some tea? Charlotte made cookies, too."

"I'm also going to play the harp!" she added excitedly.

"I've written a book on mathematical formulas that I intend to read," Edward mentioned hopefully. Most people would have groaned, but Charlotte and Susan seemed somewhat excited about it (or as excited as one _could _be about mathematical formulas). "Talking about the fabric of the multiverse, and how certain dimensions react with others."

ER... THAT SOUNDS VERY INTERESTING, EDWARD, Death managed.

Johnny yawned.

"So now that we've talked and offered you food and everything, do you have any presents for us?" he asked.

Susan slammed her forehead. This kid was impossible to get through to.

"Hello, Death," Teatime chirped cheerfully, coming down from the spiral staircase. He was wearing a Hogfather cap with a red sack slung over his shoulder. "It's so _nice _to see you. Happy Hogswatch." He turned to his wife and grinned. "I'm so _very _pleased to tell you, Susan, that the children were unable to discover where we hid the presents, and did _not _manage to find, open, and rewrap them all last night."

"Really?" Susan asked in surprise, rather excited. "We've actually outsmarted them this year?!"

Death glanced around in confusion, noting Charlotte's slightly angry glare at the floor (her arms were crossed and all her weight on one foot to add to the moody affect), Johnny's slightly agitated pout, and Edward's frustrated glare.

THE CHILDREN TRY TO OPEN THE PRESENTS BEFORE THE ACTUAL OCCASION THAT CALLS FOR THE OPENING? he asked in surprise.

"Oh, you _bet _they do," Susan confirmed with a dry nod. "And they've done a hell of a job every year up until now. _Now, _Teatime and I've _got _them." She actually smiled at her husband. This was one of those rare occasions that they were actually a team, and she felt very good about him then. Suddenly, he was beside her and holding her hand with his free one. The Assassin kissed her cheek happily.

"Oh, yes; we've rather licked them, here, it seems," he agreed.

IS THIS TRUE, GRANDCHILDREN? Death asked.

"I suppose," Charlotte mumbled.

"_Never,_" Edward spat.

Johnny grinned.

"They _think _they've won, at least!"

Susan glanced nervously at Teatime, who leaned over to whisper in her ear.

"He's just trying to unsettle us. I'm sure of it. I've seen that look on my own face too many times to fall for it, Susan dear."

Susan glanced back and forth between them, before whispering back.

"Teatime, that grin looks just like every other one he's ever plastered on that face of his. It's a wonder it isn't _stuck _that way."

"We _can _hear you, you know," Charlotte said idly, cleaning out the underneath of her nails grumpily.

Teatime shook his head.

"But it makes your mother so _happy _to feel secretive," he answered.

"Oh," the children said together.

I DID BRING PRESENTS, Death mentioned hopefully.

"Oh, simply _lovely!_" Charlotte called, clapping her hands excitedly. "Did I get a knife?" she turned to her father with a terrible grin. "I _want _a knife!"

"A knife would be so _wonderfully _nice," Johnny agreed.

"I'd prefer a _scythe_," Edward put in. Charlotte cocked her head thoughtfully.

"A scythe would be most excellent as well, I suppose."

Susan took in a deep breath, leaning into her husband. He grinned and kissed the top of her head.

"Isn't this _nice?_"

"That's oneway to put it, I suppose," the duchess answered.

"How would _you?_"

"'One hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.'," she replied dryly, then smiled a content, happy smile (simultaneously hoping to death that no one would notice).


	7. Playmates

**Author's Notes: No Susan sadly, and mainly just about Charlotte, but there are so many comical situations I could come up with, if I only had this scene, that I just had to do this. Hope you enjoy it, even though no canon character shows up. Let the craziness continue (and review)!**

PLAYMATES

Charlotte liked to play out on a hill, where her music echoed all across Sto-Helit and she could hear it sail over the sea of green, lush grass. She liked the smell of the wildflowers peppering the fields around her's pollen, and she liked the clear, blue sky. Her hair liked it to, and always managed to wriggle out of whatever style she had managed to force it into so it could dance with the wind. The wind liked Charlotte's hair.

It was dawn, and as far as she knew, Johnny would be sneaking about the house trying not to wake anyone (he really had no reason to be up, but he liked practicing sneaking), Edward would be finishing whatever story he was reading under the covers, closing the book rapidly and trying to get a few minutes of sleep before he had to get up, and Susan would be the only one actually asleep. Where her father was, Charlotte really had no clue. He might very well be right where he should be, but she knew better than to assume anything when it came to her dear father beyond that he loved her.

The clouds were tainted with the rising sun, glowing in the colored light as it dyed the sky. It was cold and crisp, and her music flowed through fields like little fairies on wings. She smiled her mother's smile, closing her eyes in the joy of the moment and throwing herself into the song as she sat on the bench she'd brought out with her.

But someone was coming up her hill. Who, she didn't know, but someone much noisier and clumsier than anyone in _her _family. So someone was invading Sto-Helit. She grinned her father's smile, not bothering to open her eyes.

"Hi," Charlotte chirped. "Who're you?"

The sound of crunching grass halted abruptly, and she could almost feel the shock whoever it was who was coming up was feeling.

"Um..." he said nervously.

"Cat got your tongue? Let's try again, shall we?" she chimed when whoever it was before her couldn't find his voice. She stilled the humming strings of her harp and looked up at the brown-haired, dumbstruck boy before her. "Hello, my name's Charlotte Teatime. What's _yours?_"

"Bastian," he managed. "I'm Sebastian Oracatta."

She grinned, extending a pale, slender hand.

"It's a _pleasure _to meet you, Sebastian." She'd almost said 'Sebastian _dear_'_, _so used to tacking the ending on to her sweet brothers' names as well as her parents' titles. But this _Sebastian _most certainly wasn't _dear. _"Why did you leave the city?"

"Are you the duchess's daughter?" he asked. "Are you Susan Sto-Helit's child?"

Charlotte clucked and shook her head.

"_No, _she's Susan _Teatime__**now**_. Don't you know?"

"Right. That was a while ago. She made such a name for herself before the marriage, though. Most people are used to her being a Sto-Helit," Sebastian explained, almost sheepishly. "But who _is _your father, Lady Charlotte? No one's really seen him."

The duchess's daughter laughed.

"Oh, but that's the _point! _He doesn't like being seen."

"Why not?"

"Because..." she trailed off thoughtfully, then shrugged, "he just doesn't. He grew up hiding in shadows; why change it now?"

"Was he a thief?"

Charlotte stood to her feet, glaring at the boy terribly.

"Thank goodness, _no! _He was an elegant _Assassin, _and don't you forget it!" she warned darkly. Sebastian didn't cower, though. He stuck up his chin. She lightened to a grin, and laughed again. "Are you scared of me? You don't seem to be. I suppose you have no reason to." She paused thoughtfully, "You called me a _Lady _earlier. I suppose that's right, then, isn't it? I'm _Lady _Charlotte. I never thought of that. I probably should have. But why are you here, Bastian?"

"Edmund dared me to," he answered dryly.

"Ah," Charlotte said with a nod. "And what must you bring back as proof of your escapade?"

"He didn't ask for proof."

"Then he's not going to believe you when you say you did. You're not getting anything out of this, except perhaps a bit of an adrenaline rush," she laughed again.

"Are you an only child, Lady Charlotte?"

"Oh, there you go again!" she chirped. "_Lady_." She giggled, "I rather like it. But no, I am not an only child. I have my dear brothers, Edward and Johnny. They are almost always with me, but now I have escaped for my morning revelry."

She played a quick scale, allowing the notes to fade out on their own. Bastian glanced at the harp.

"You can hear your playing even over by the farms," he said. "It carries and it's lovely."

"Why_ thank _you. Now you can go and tell all your friends what makes it, if it was a mystery."

Sebastian grinned.

"I _like _mysteries_._ I'm training to be a detective."

Charlotte clapped excitedly.

"Oh, me too! Like mysteries, that is. I'm not sure what I plan to be when I grow," she giggled. "You're training to be a detective? Well, prove it!" Susan's daughter stood to her feet with a huge grin. "Are you a Hermlock Sholmes?"

Sebastian frowned, crossing his arms and looking her up and down intently. He narrowed his eyes.

"You have a cat," he said at last. "You have a cat. You're handy with a blade. You like to rough house. You've been out here since one-or-two-but-less-than-four-hours-before-dawn reading or something; you weren't playing _then_, though. And you wrote something yesterday."

Charlotte grinned.

"I don't have a cat. I wish I did, but I don't. I'm just borrowing one of Granddad's. But that's not really fair; you got it right to the best of your ability. Were there cat hairs on my dress? Did that give it away?" she asked.

"Yes, _orange_ cat hair."

"And you saw the form of a knife up my sleeve, didn't you?" she asked, slipping it down her arm and balancing it blade up on her pointer finger with one smooth movement. "I've been trying to figure out how to hide it just right, but it's rather difficult."

"You did do pretty well. I didn't notice it for a while," Bastian offered.

"Thank you," she replied. "How do you know that I like to rough house, though? I can't think what could _possibly _give that away."

"Well, you have two broken fingernails, several bruises, and..." he squinted, trailing off, "...is that a _bite _mark on your cheek?"

A hand flew to the indent on her face as she grinned.

"Oh, yes – that was _fun!_"

Sebastian blinked.

"I just guessed from all that."

"You guessed well! And how'd you know how long I was out here? I know you knew I was writing because of the ink stains on my hand."

"The hem of your skirt is wet," he answered plainly, gesturing to the bottom of her black and blue dress. "It rained a little before 2:00am this morning, but the grass is dry now. You must have come out while it was still covered in droplets, but after it rained since just the edge of your gown is wet and not the whole of you. Besides, I doubt the rain would be good for your instrument, and since you are an experienced harpist, I'd think you would know how to take care of it."

Charlotte flipped the knife up and caught it by the hilt, grinning at the boy.

"How very _clever _of you. You really _are _a Hermlock Sholmes, Bastian. But what _I _want to know..." In a flash, the flat of her blade pressed up against the side of his neck, just below his jaw. She stood precisely three inches away from him, tilting her forehead forwards and grinning brilliantly. She shifted the knife slowly, harmlessly. "...is what you were doing up at 2:00am to know that it was raining?"

She spun around him in a pale blur, still smiling as she touched his back between his shoulder blades to catch his attention. Sebastian whirled around, seeming to find this all rather entertaining. Charlotte pressed the point of her dagger to her pointer finger, tilting her head. A person watching the scene would say that it almost looked flirtatious. "Are you a _bad _boy, Sebastian Oracatta?"

He raised a brow over his grin.

"Well, can you claim to be a good girl, Lady Charlotte?" he countered.

"Oh, yes. I'm a _very _good girl," she answered. "Well, _mostly_. Mostly _most _of the time.I _can _be, when I feel like it." She took a step forwards. "But _you _haven't answered my question."

"I try to do as I'm told," he replied, laughing.

"Not _that _one, Bastian; how did a charming young detective in training like yourself come to be awake during 2:00am?"

"Oh _fine. _If you must know."

"I _must,_" Charlotte replied, nodding emphatically.

"I was switching spells," Sebastian explained. The duchess's daughter flashed him a confused pout, and he laughed before continuing. "Alan Kimmerman – he's learning to be a wizard – was planning on enchanting his team's soccer ball so it'd win the match."

"Oh, he was _cheating?_" Charlotte called. "What's the use of winning if you _didn't? _No, it's _much _more satisfying to merely suck you opponent dry." She grinned, her voice growing more excited as she spoke, "You said you switched spells. What'd you put in place of the enchantment for him to read, Bastian? Oh, _what?!_"

"A hair loss spell. It's all going to fall out the moment he's done chanting!"

Charlotte giggled.

"How very _clever _of you, Bastian. I think I rather like you. Maybe we could _play _sometime, you and I."

He smiled.

"I think I'd like that, Lady Charlotte," Sebastian replied with a low bow.

"I might warn you, though, Hermlock," she added idly. "You know how dangerous vampires can be?"

His brow wrinkled in befuddlement as he crossed his arms.

"Yes. But what do they have to do with the current conversation?"

"I'll connect it, don't worry," Charlotte reassured with a grin before continuing. "Double that, a vampire's dangerousness, and you have my brothers. If they find out that I'm _playing_ with someone besides them, Johnny and Edward will come and kill you most brutally." Sebastian couldn't help but wonder if she was joking or not. "Do you still want to be my playmate? Do you _know _what you're getting into?"

"Could I have an example, before I decide?" Sebastian asked.

"You know the Hogfather?" Charlotte chimed.

"Mmhmm."

"My daddy came _this close_," she held up her pointer finger and thumb, barely an eighth of an inch apart, "to succeeding in inhuming him. The only reason he _didn't _was because my mother showed up and threw him off. He didn't even _mind _that he was killing a jolly old man who is the embodiment of giving, love, and the Hogswatch spirit. He also used to nail dogs on the ceiling before Mommy stopped him." Charlotte grinned, "_That's _how scary my brothers can be, and when those two _unite, _they're twice as bad."

"No problem!" Sebastian said dismissively. "We'll just be very, very careful."

The duchess's daughter nodded meaningfully.

"_Very _careful."

In a smooth, clean movement she chopped off a foot of her long, long hair so it fell three inches past her shoulders with her little dagger. Her tresses twisted in anger at the sudden and unannounced betrayal, and the the now separate ones in her hands writhed as if in agony. Charlotte grinned, passing the severed locks to Bastian.

"Here. Show this to your friends, and tell them... tell them you met _Lady Charlotte_. And if they still don't believe you, send them knocking to my door. I'll set them straight."

She giggled, fingering her pretty little knife happily.


	8. Prep

**Author's Notes: A lot more Teatime in this chapter, so we can jump for joy. There'll be more Susan later. Oh, and if you want more of a character in particular, just request it. I really do listen to my reviewers (and I have to make a shout-out to Nefra for some of her wonderful suggestions in _Cheating Fate_, and thank duchess-susan and coffee-mill for their absolutely wonderful reviews - thanks, you all! You really have brightened my days!). Please review!**

PREP

"You're very, very good, Johnny," Teatime said, leaping dexterously down from the chandelier. "But you're not _that _good."

Jonathan (Jr.) whirled around, then grinned innocently, disappointment obvious in his features.

"What'd I do wrong, Father?" he asked. "I want to be _just _as good as you someday, you know."

"And I'll tell you exactly how to do it. Someday. For now, however, let's go find your brother." Teatime hesitated, cocking his head thoughtfully, "...And you probably shouldn't let your mother know about your late-night escapades. Only if you want to keep all ten fingers, of course," he chirped lightly, walking ever so silently towards Edward's room with Johnny a step behind him.

"I'm only _practicing_," he answered. "And you were doing it just now, too."

"_I _have a reason, and only tonight," the Assassin answered. "I have a feeling that this isn't the very first time _you've _done this, though, _is _it, Jonathan?"

The black haired boy grinned sheepishly. Teatime slid through Edward's door and sat on his son's bed, tapping his shoulder gently.

"I know you're awake, Edward. Did you even sleep at _all _last night?" he asked.

The blonde boy pulled the thick cover back down from over his tired face. He was scowling.

"I am _trying _to sleep _now!_" he called.

"It's 6:00am, Edward. Naughty, naughty."

"_He _was up, too!" Susan's son argued, pointing accusingly at Johnny. "I was _reading_. I was _studying _so I'd _know _things. He was practicing sneaking so he'd know how to stab people in the back," Edward crossed his arms grouchily for emphasis.

"I know," Teatime answered with a charmingly crooked grin. "I'm so _very _proud."

Edward scoffed, noting Johnny's equally twisted smile. He found himself desperately wishing his _mother _were here instead. She really was the only person in this house who understood him. Everyone else was downright insane.

"Please, Dad, ten minutes. Can I close my eyes for _ten minutes?_"

"You can sleep tonight," Teatime said cheerfully, grabbing his son's arm and dragging him out of under the covers. "After all, if you've stayed up all these hours why ruin your record by sleeping _now?_"

"So I won't be crabby to everyone on _this _of all days?" Edward suggested as the three of them trudged towards the kitchen.

"You're always crabby," Johnny chirped.

"Am not!"  
"Are too."

"Am not!

"Are, too."

"I am _not _always crabby!"

"Morning, brothers dear!" Charlotte chimed. Her hair had twisted itself into a braid and folded itself at the nape of her neck. Her face and hands were flecked with batter, and her cheeks flushed from the oven heat. "Hi, Daddy! I've finished the crepes and the icecream, and the strawberries are done soaking."

"Why _thank _you for taking care of that for me, Susanette," Teatime said cheerfully.

Edward stumbled over to his sister and threw his arms around her.

"Hold me, Charlotte. Johnny's picking on me and I need sleep..." he mumbled into her shoulder. She laughed and rubbed his back for a few seconds, before leaping back, grinning, and clapping happily.

"Shall we go get Mommy now?" she asked.

"Oh, _yes!_" Johnny called excitedly. "Today's going to be so much_ fun!_"

"Remember, Charlotte, Johnny, and Edward," Teatime warned, almost (but not quite) managing to sound serious. "Today is for your mother. Be _extra _good."

Charlotte and Johnny smiled innocently up at their father. Edward almost passed out, but managed to jerk himself awake before he toppled over (just barely). Teatime sighed softly, really hoping that they could manage it. He was having a tough enough time himself.

The four marched onwards into the parents' bedroom, swung the door open, and surrounded the sleeping Susan. Her eyes snapped open in surprise as she sat up straight.

"What's going on, you all?" she asked suspiciously.

"_Happy Mother's Day!_" they called.


	9. Mum's Song

**Author's Notes:**** Many thanks to my dear sister, known here as Purple Peanutbutter (you really should read her stuff, and if you play the Sims, you simply MUST read and review her _Over Your Head_ parody fic on it), for her help on _Mum's Song_. Much appreciated, deary! I love you bunches (she's reading over my shoulder, silly thing. Yes, PP, I called you silly. And a thing. Stop looking at me like that! Or rather, stop looking at my typing fingers like that. Yes, you don't have to - okay, I'll shut up now for your sake, dear reader. Just read and review, and I'll quit this nonsense)!**

MUM'S SONG

After a – by their family's terms – very pleasant breakfast, Susan was dragged into the parlor. 'Happy Mother's Day' was painted in red above the fireplace. Well, at least she _hoped _it was paint. When she asked Teatime about it later, he said it had been a joke. But you could never really tell.

Charlotte's harp was out, and the three children lined up perkily. They threw on great big, bright smiles, and the Assassin sat beside his wife with an arm around her shoulders.

"We've written you a song, Mommy!" Charlotte chimed. "Just for Mother's Day!"

Susan blinked.

"Um... how lovely."

"Daddy helped, too," Edward put in.

Johnny nodded emphatically.

"We worked very, very hard on it!"

"Well, get on with it, then," Susan said, gesturing for them to continue.

The three children all looked at one another and grinned. Charlotte stroked the strings in a quick scale intro, and they all hummed in harmony, each a slightly different note, before they began to sing. The melody was, beyond a doubt, quite lovely. Each had a different tune to sing, and their voices were high, chipper, and sweet. The rhythm and beat was pleasant, and the duchess's daughter's playing was beautiful.

The lyrics, however, were literally painful.

"Our mum..." Edward started lowly,

"...Our mum..." Johnny joined in, his voice a little bit higher,

"..._Our mum!_" Charlotte finished, very high, before they broke off into the song together.

"_You know we'd never choke her,_

_'Cause she taught us 'bout the poker,_

_She might not be a joker,_

_But she's a great bloke, her_

_Oh, there's so much we mean to say!_

_How 'bout we stick with 'Happy Mother's Day?'_"

"Our mum..."

"...Our mum..."

"..._Our mum!_"

"_She told us we always have a choice,_

_And through her we can use the voice,_

_If she died our eyes would grow moist,_

_If she fell down up her we'd hoist,_

_Oh, there's so much we mean to say!_

_How 'bout we stick with 'Happy Mother's Day?'_"

"Our mum..."

"...Our mum..."

"..._Our mum!_"

"_She and we are very lithe,_

_Since we were made to use a scythe,_

_And though sometimes we prefer a knife,_

_We still want her in our life_

_Oh, there's so much we mean to say!_

_How 'bout we stick with 'Happy Mother's Day?'_"

"Our mum..."

"...Our mum..."

"..._Our mum!_"

"_And though she's the granddaughter of death,_

_When it comes to mothering she's just the best,_

_And though she looks at us as little pests,_

_She's very sweet when we give her rest_

_Oh, there's so much we mean to say!_

_How 'bout we stick with 'Happy Mother's Day?'_"

"Happy Mother's..."

"...Happy Mother's..."

"Happy Mother's..."

"_Happy Moooooooooooo-theeeeeeeeeeeeeerr's – DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!_"

They spread out their arms and posed, grinning.

Susan wasn't sure whether to scream in sheer horror, cry, or laugh her mouth off. Instead, she stood to her feet, her voice mere sobs.

"You're all so cute!"

That wasn't very Susan-y of her. But there really was no getting around it. Never had three psychopathic almost teenagers looked so sweet.


	10. Memories

**Author's Notes:  Unfortunately, this story is getting a little repetitious. Because of that, I've been attempting to write more unique chapters. There is one other one that I have typed out that's pretty much like the others, but I am starting to branch out. I hope you enjoy this chapter (the realization hit me that I'd never dealt with the T/S wedding day and I knew that I absolutely had to. This was the best way I could think of doing it), and please do review.**

MEMORIES

"Mooooooooooooooommmmmmyyyy…" Charlotte asked Susan sweetly.

Death's granddaughter looked down at her kin, her eyes narrowed. They always sounded sweet when they were at their worst.

"What is it?" she asked suspiciously. All three of her children smiled innocently up at her.

"We're so _terribly _bored, Mother dear," Johnny replied with a happy smile.

"We want a _story, _Mommy," Charlotte elaborated.

Susan slammed her book shut.

"No."

"We would like a true story, Mother," Edward explained. "We want to know about when you married our father."

"Why don't you ask _him?_" Susan tried.

"We want to hear it from _you,_" they replied in unison.

The duchess sighed, thinking back on that rough day.

"_&*%#. $!#." GET ME OUT OF HERE!_

_Susan paced back and forth in the library of Death's Domain. She ground her teeth, and trampled on the hem of her long white dress. She was wearing white. Who, in a million years, would ever think that that could happen in anyone's wildest dreams? Death's granddaughter – in white. But she wasn't just in any type of white. She was in a long, sleek white dress, with a crystal embroidered bolero. She was holding a bouquet of black roses (you just know that that color had to sneak in there somewhere), whose thorns were digging into her pale flesh most mercilessly. Susan didn't care in the least._

"_&^%. #$%. Get me out of here, Granddad, please!" she called, turning to her grandfather desperately. "Albert, help me! I need out!" HELP ME!_

_The pixie exchanged a glance with his master. Death coughed nervously._

_SUSAN, YOU ARE AWARE THAT IT IS SAID TO BE NORMAL TO EXPERIENCE EMOTIONS OF PANIC ON THE NIGHT BEFORE ONE IS TO BE WED. REMEMBER, GRANDDAUGHTER, YOU _WANT_ TO DO THIS._

"_Like hell I do!" Susan growled in reply, tossing the bouquet haphazardly over her shoulder. "I was thinking this: you could start theorizing with Teatime about how to kill the Soul Cake Duck and Albert and I could go sneak off and get Binky – "_

"_No, no!" Albert called emphatically, holding up his hands in protest. "I am _not _helping _his _bride escape from _his _wedding. I'd be found floating in the Ankh – missing my tonsils and intestines."_

_Susan ground her teeth in frustration._

"Fine_. You never were any use."_

"_Now that's not right fair, lass. I just want to live."_

_Death's granddaughter shot him a dark glare (simultaneously thinking that that was an odd thought for Death's assistant to think). But apparently the pixie thought even that wasn't worse than Teatime's friendly wrath. Yes, friendly._

_Susan turned to her grandfather._

"_I need your help. I have to get out of here! I don't know what I was thinking before. I'm going to get myself killed. I can't marry him!"_

_NO, Death answered simply._

_Susan blinked at him._

"_What?"_

_I SAID 'NO'._

"_What? What do you _mean _no!? You can't honestly – _no!_"_

_YES._

"_You will?!"_

_NO._

"_You said 'yes'!"_

_ONLY WHEN YOU SAID 'NO'._

"_But I said – "_

_Death sighed deeply._

_SUSAN, YOU ARE MY GRANDDAUGHTER, AND I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOUR HAPPINESS. YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE IT NOW, BUT I FEEL THAT THIS IS THE CORRECT PATH FOR YOU TO TAKE AND IF NEED BE I WILL FORCE YOU THROUGH IT. He gave her a slightly guilty look, YOU'LL THANK ME FOR IT LATER, SUSAN. JUST TRUST ME._

"_If you care so much for my happiness," she ground out, "help me escape!"_

"_Aren't you forgettin' somethin', Susan?" Albert pointed out. "If you don't marry the lout, you'll die."_

"_I'd rather die that marry him!" the duchess cried._

_NO YOU WOULDN'T, Death assured. AND WHAT ABOUT CHARLOTTE? DON'T YOU THINK SHE DESERVES A FATHER? TEATIME WOULD COME AFTER HER AT THE VERY LEAST, ASSUMING HE WOULDN'T COME AFTER YOU._

"_Which he _would,_" the pixie added confidently._

_Susan felt like she was going to puke, and pressed a hand to her stomach. She remembered the new life inside of her there, and felt angry at how she could have been so stupid as to have this happen _again._ She groaned._

"_Granddad, you might as well know now. I'm having another baby."_

_Death brightened._

_AND I THOUGHT THIS DAY COULDN'T GET ANY HAPPIER! he chimed._

"'_Happy'," Albert mused. "That's not quite the adjective I'd've picked, Master."_

"_For once, I agree with you," Susan sighed._

_COME NOW, SUSAN. TODAY IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OCCURRENCE. ENJOY IT! the anthropomorphic personification said encouragingly._

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss…?"_

_The duchess snapped into awareness, a hand raising to silence the others._

"_Did you hear that?" she asked stiffly._

_I BELIEVE IT SOUNDED LIKE CHARLOTTE, Death stated in surprise._

_Susan stalked across the room (her white dress flowing out behind her) and slammed the door open to reveal her daughter sitting up in the middle of the hall. She scooped up the baby, mind whirling._

"_Teatime was supposed to be watching her," the duchess growled. "He's supposed to be at the park, with everyone else."_

"_You're not exactly supposed to be here, either, you know," Albert pointed out. Susan pointedly ignored him._

"_He's trying to see me in my wedding dress before the ceremony!" she called. "He's been trying to steal a peak since I bought the darn thing. He probably dumped Charlotte when she started making noise and scampered off so I wouldn't know he was here. Idiot. As if I wouldn't deduce all this."_

_ARE YOU SURE HE ISN'T LISTENING TO EVERYTHING WE'RE SAYING, SUSAN? Death asked nervously, not quite wanting to know the Assassin's reaction to being called 'idiot'._

"_He must be gone by now," Susan replied, pulling her baby closer. Then an idea hit her. "Granddad, would you like to hold Charlotte?"_

_THAT WOULD BE LOVELY, Death chimed, taking the baby into his arms. LOOK AT HOW TINY SHE IS, ALBERT. ISN'T SHE TINY? _

"_Well, there's really no arguin' that, sir," the pixie agreed with a shrug._

_LOOK AT HOW AWARE SHE IS, LISTENING TO US SO CLOSELY. ISN'T SHE ALERT, ALBERT?_

"_It certainly seems that way, but – "_

_Death cut him off._

_LOOK AT HOW HAPPY SHE IS, SMILING SO BRIGHTLY. ISN'T SHE HAPPY, ALBERT?_

"_Indeed, I suppose she is, master, but it seems that – "_

_OH, AND LOOK AT HAIR. HER HAIR IS JUST LIKE SUSAN'S, ISN'T IT?_

"_Master, yes, her hair is _just like _Susan's hair, but speakin' of Susan – she's flown the coup!"_

_OH, Death realized, looking up from his great-granddaughter's pretty face to see two high-heeled shoes on the floor, and the library door swung open haphazardly._

_Susan was sprinting, holding her skirts in her hands as she ran and ran. She'd find Binky if it was the death of her, and she'd ride him away to the Counterweight Continent if she had to until the wedding was over. Then she'd come back for Charlotte and maybe move to Lancre. There she could hide amongst the witches and common folk, and raise her children in sweet peace and normality._

Child_ren. _Oh god, not_ more_ little monsters?! _she thought desperately, whistling shrilly to call Binky to her. The white stallion rode out of the sky, nuzzling her hand warmly. Susan knew that she wouldn't have much time, so she was just about to swing aboard the horse without further ado when she noticed a thread tied around the horse's neck. Her brow furrowed in confusion, and twisted even more so when she noticed the small box and rolled up note hanging from it. The box was a box of chocolate. The note read thus:_

Hi, Susan.

I knew you'd try to run away, so I thought I'd let you know that I won't let you. So please don't try. I want today to be happy.

This is exciting, isn't it? I can't believe I've actually convinced you to marry me. Well, not completely, I know, but you said yes once. That's more than I could have hoped. And Charlotte – she'll get to attend her own parents' wedding. How many children can brag of that? She's such a lucky girl, especially with you for a mother.

Anyhow, I bought you some chocolate and wanted to let you know that I love you. I love you.

_There was no need for him to sign it. Susan knew perfectly well who'd written the letter. She couldn't help the small smile on her lips._

I hope you're right, about me and mothering… I'm not sure if I'm cut out for it, _Susan thought dryly. _My gods, I'm grinning like some lovesick fool. What's gotten into me? I'm _not _some lovesick fool. Am I?

_The duchess sighed darkly, patting Binky and proceeding to eat all the chocolates. She knew for a fact that she needed it. With that, she turned around back towards the library – mentally kicking herself while she did so. She just _knew _that she would regret this._

_SUSAN, Death acknowledged, sounding vaguely surprised as she entered the library with slumped shoulders. ARE YOU READY TO GET MARRIED?_

_She took in a deep breath;_

"_Yes."_

_Susan would change her mind in exactly fifteen minutes, when she was standing across from a (as usual) well dressed Teatime who happened to _wink. _He'd closed the normal (well, if his off-white, pinhole-pupil eye could be called 'normal') eye, too, and that made him look all the more unnerving._

"_I do," the Assassin said as he winked._

_The judge continued to speak, but all Susan could think was:_

I've made a huge mistake.

_She still ended up saying 'I do', and the look of pure joy Teatime radiated afterward made her start to wonder if maybe she'd been wrong._

Susan shook herself out of her trip down memory lane, glaring at her children.

"No. I'm _not _talking about the day your father and I were married."

"How about the day Eddy and I were born?" Johnny asked, wrapping an arm around his brother's neck and grinning. Edward returned the gesture, and Charlotte pouted, feeling a little left out.

Susan's eyes widened in horror as she thought of _that _day of _pure torment_.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Susan screamed. Her mouth was wide as a river, her head thrown back, her nails digging into her palms (and her husband's arm) fiercely. Even giving birth to Charlotte hadn't been _this _bad. At least she had the comfort of knowing it'd be over as soon as this stubborn baby got out. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

_Teatime seemed unfazed by his wife's distress, and merely smiled charmingly as he held her hand. She would later wonder how he managed to bear her hand digging mercilessly into his flesh, but didn't have the mental capabilities of doing so now._

"_It's all right, Susan," he assured excitedly._

"_SHUT UP!" she screeched. "It's bloody well not 'all right!'"_

_Teatime merely beamed some more._

"_It's so nice to actually be here. I'm so terribly sorry to have missed Charlotte's birth."_

_Charlotte. Oh yes, the baby was probably perfectly happy with her grandfather, oblivious to her mother's suffering._

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"_

"_Are you sure everything's all right?" Teatime asked the midwife, slight traces of worry touching his voice. Susan would have been surprised, had she given a damn to what he was saying._

"_Um…" honestly, the poor midwife wasn't quite certain. "I think so?"_

"_That just won't do," Teatime clucked sadly, shaking his head as he gazed at the woman. The midwife took an instinctive step back. _

_Susan, realizing what was going on, sat up straight with wild eyes._

"_Don't – you – dare…" she managed hoarsely as she clutched his arm even harder, if possible (or even if it wasn't)._

"_Don't worry, Susan dear," Teatime assured. "I have not intentions of hurting anyone."_

_Susan would have looked skeptical if her face wasn't plastered to 'excruciating pain'._

"_I am never, ever, ever having another child again!" she shrieked._

"_That's okay, Susan. Two are definitely enough for me," the Assassin agreed. Then he cocked his head, "For now, I suppose. Charlotte turned out so nice, though… maybe more _would – " _Even he knew better than to continue with that train of thought after the look Susan sent him. He smiled warmly. "We'll talk about it later." It didn't help. "Or never." The duchess relaxed, before screaming again. "There really must be something you can do!" Teatime demanded of the other woman, sounding almost desperate. He didn't like seeing his strong, resilient, sarcastic Susan in such… such a horribly tragic state._

_The midwife shrugged helplessly._

"_Sometimes it's just really, really hard," she put in._

"_Is there no herb or spell or anything that – "_

"_I'm not going to be conscious much longer," Susan decided. At least then the pain would _stop. _"Tell me the name, Teatime, so I know I can trust you."_

"_Edward," he replied immediately. "You wanted Edward."_

_Susan nodded._

"_Good. Remember that. Edward. Not anything else. Edward. Unless it's a girl. In which case it's Ysabel."_

"_I thought it was Elizabeth."_

"_Yes, but you didn't like 'Liz'."_

"_I like it better than Ysabel."_

_Susan opened her mouth to argue before another contraction hit and she screamed._

"_You'd better be a bloody boy," she shrieked, "or all hell's going to break loose in our household."_

"_Doesn't it already do so?" Teatime questioned._

"_UUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

"_He's here!" the midwife called joyously. "A healthy baby boy!"_

_Susan cried in joy, glad that everything was almost over at last. She took the baby into her arms and smiled down at him, feeling so very elated._

"_Oh, Edward… beautiful little Edward," she whispered, tears streaming down her face. Teatime was practically jumping up and down with impatience._

"_Let me hold him, Susan," he stated. It wasn't a question. But Susan made it one. She looked up at him, glaring and snarling._

"_I'm holding my baby!" she yelled back._

_It was about then that another contraction hit, and Susan realized that her stomach was hardly any smaller._

"_Oh my!" the midwife called. "You've got another one coming – it's twins!"_

_Susan screamed. Only this time it was out of pure horror. She's have to go and do it all _again, _just when she thought it was over._

_About four grueling hours later, Susan passed out, and Teatime held a beautiful baby boy in the crook of either arm._

"_Me oh my…" he said softly, in awe. "You're both just as lovely as Charlotte. I really hadn't thought it possible."_

"_So one of them's Edward?" the midwife asked. Teatime nodded. "And what's the other?"_

_Teatime was momentarily nonplussed. Then he turned to Susan._

"_What do you think, Susan?" he said, forgetting for a second that she couldn't hear him. When she made no reply, Teatime found himself somewhat stricken and a little worried. "Oh dear. We really hadn't expected _two _boys… if it'd been two girls…"_

"_It'd really be a good idea to give me his name," the midwife mentioned._

_Teatime furrowed his brow thoughtfully. Unfortunately, after several hours spent with one irate Susan, his creativity wasn't so high._

"_Jonathan?" he tried at last._

"_Done. Jonathan and Edward. Quite nice names, I think."_

"_Why thank you," the Assassin beamed proudly, gazing at his beauteous boys._

_When Susan woke up, she wasn't exactly happy._

"What's there to tell?" the duchess grumbled with a shrug. "I screamed. Jonathan made strange remarks. I spat out two boys out. The end."

"Johnny spoke on his first day?" Charlotte called in shock.

"Why do you sound so surprised?" Johnny wondered.

"No, _you're_ _father,_" Susan heaved.

"How about you tell us the story of how you met our father, then?" Edward suggested logically.

Susan looked back to _that _crazy day.

"Um… well… maybe I should just read you all a mystery novel. The past, when it comes to Teatime and I, is a little… er… _tender,_" she settled with.

Susan really didn't think it'd be a good life-lesson to tell her children that one could end up marrying the psychokiller who almost drowned you at a ball.


	11. Like Father, Like Daughter

**Author's Notes: And here's another chapter. I guess it's practically the same theme from several previous ones, but oh well. Enjoy!**

LIKE FATHER, LIKE DAUGHTER, WITH A BIT OF MOTHER MIXED IN

CLASH!

BANG!

BOOM!

SHATTER!

_OUCH!_ Charlotte squealed, sucking on her bruised, smashed, and crushed ring finger. Then she grinned. "Okay, Mommy dear, I'm done now. Let's sit and talk like grown-ups!"

Susan raised a brow, taking the toasting fork from her daughter and replacing that and her poker to their positions by the fireplace.

"I _am _a grown-up, Charlotte," she answered dryly before joining her on the couch, "...and you are getting much closer to that state yourself."

"Oh, but _Mother... _you're just so much _fun, _it's hard to remember." Charlotte laughed, then her eyes widened, "_Daddy's _a grown-up too, isn't he?!" she gasped.

Susan shook her head.

"No matter _how _old your father gets, baby," she leaned forwards meaningfully and put a hand on her daughter's knee, "he's _never _going to be a grown-up. It's the cold, hard truth."

Charlotte sighed in relief.

"Oh, _good_. I don't think I could handle it if _he _were." She smiled charmingly, "Thank you _ever _so much for playing with me, Mommy. I do so love it when we duel!" Death's great-granddaughter pouted slightly, "...and with _both _my brothers _and _Daddy off and about on one of their escapades, it can get so very _dull_."

Susan sighed, nodding. She hated to admit it even to herself, but she had to; she was a Fixer, and if she wasn't Fixing something for a long period of time, she was, quite frankly, bored. With _these _loonies for a family, she was in an almost constant state of Fixation, and that (though she'd never say it aloud) kept her entertained, feeling useful, and even _happy. _When things stopped (id est, when some of them left or they were actually – GODS FORBID! – asleep), she found herself short-circuiting. So Susan almost understood where her daughter was coming from, though she had the sinking suspicion that _Charlotte _was a _Breaker_.

"What happened to your cheek, Charlotte?" the duchess asked, noticing the... the _WHAT? _"Is that a _bite mark?_" she wondered incredulously. Her daughter's hand snapped to the indentations on her face as she laughed nervously. "Do I even _want_ to _know?_"

"Well, it started when Johnny – "

"Johnny bit you?" Susan shook her head and pursed her lips. "I wish I understood that child."

"No," Charlotte corrected, shaking her head. Her white curls bobbed and shifted slightly as they floated about her face. "No, it was _Edward_."

"_What?!_" the duchess blinked in shock.

"Well, he wasn't _trying _to bite me. He was _trying _to bite Johnny, because _he'd_ said something particularly nasty involving curls, dolls, girls, marshmellows, and, of course, pokers. Then the lights went out and Johnny twisted me and Edward flipped and instead of getting Johnny's arm he got my cheek." Charlotte shrugged with a bright smile, "It happened kind of fast, and it was a bit of a chaotic mess so it's hard to put to words."

"When did this happen?" Susan asked. "Why didn't I hear it happening?"

"Oh... approximately 3:00am two weeks ago."

"Oh. _That's _why," Susan realized dryly. "What were you doing _up _then?"

"_I _was getting a glass of water. Edward was reading – " Susan smiled, remembering late nights spent up with a candle under her sheets (and a bucket of water, should it catch fire) reading a good book " – , Johnny was..." Charlotte chewed her lip, "...I suppose I don't know what his excuse was. He's a bit of a troubled child, that one. But I love him to bits all the same! And Edward... well, he's just a genius, Mum."

"He certainly is very clever," her mother agreed. "Did you see some of the mathematical calculating methods he came up with in that book of his?"

"I _know!_" Charlotte agreed, leaning forwards as she nodded emphatically. "Who knew the Great A'Tuin's mass could be calculated with only a few measurements of the stars and knowing the speed the disc turns turnwise?"

This was nice, Susan thought. _Quality time _with her daughter. This was _normal._ Susan would have squealed, had she been that kind of person. Normality was so very far and out of reach for her, but now and then there were a few moments that it was almost there, like right now, and she was happy and complete. She sighed, looking at her beautiful daughter and taking her in.

"I'm very proud of you, Charlotte. You know that, don't you?"

She beamed, smiling at her mother happily.

"I do, but it's so very nice to hear."

"You're clever, and sensible, and bright, and you can almost beat me with a poker. Of course, you're also cracked and insane like your father, but you're oh so much better than Johnny is in that respect so I can live with it," Susan added.

"I have the best of _both _worlds, Mommy," Charlotte said with an emphatic nod. "Edward's too much like you. Johnny's too much like Daddy. I'm in between; though perhaps you have to look to find the Susan-in-me while the Daddy-in-me is very prominent, it's definitely there."

The schoolteacher shook her head, allowing a small smile to play at her lips.

"When were the boys supposed to get home?" she asked (meaning Teatime, Edward, and Johnny; Teatime was a boy, too. There really was no getting around that). "Are they here already? It's impossible to tell."

Charlotte giggled.

"They're so obsessed with sneakiness! Then again, so am I, a little." She shook her head, "But no, when they're here, we'll_ know_."

Susan narrowed her eyes.

"Why is that?" she asked suspiciously.

Charlotte only giggled again, when suddenly, the parlor door flew open, and Johnny ran into the room in a terrible blur, disappearing somewhere in the shadows. Edward stalked in after him, and if Susan didn't know better, she'd say fire was blazing from his shoulders and head. Teatime leaned on the door frame, watching with an amused brow raised.

COME OUT RIGHT NOW YOU MANGY MUTT! Edward yelled.

"Oh, dear..." Charlotte said in surprise, looking down guiltily. She stood to her feet before calling out, "I'm so sorry, Edward dear! It wasn't Johnny this time. But I wasn't trying to get _you..._"

Susan stood to her feet and glared around.

"_What _happened here?"

"Are you still attempting to inhume me now that you know that it really wasn't _me_, Edward?" Johnny asked, poking his head out of the fireplace he was somehow managing to stay in without getting burned.

"Get out of there, Jonathan!" Susan called angrily.

"That's the wrong way to use that term, Johnny. I'd _kill _you," Edward growled, "because I'm not a trained Assassin. It'd be a _messy _and _inelegant _DEATH for you!"

"_It wasn't him!_" Charlotte protested, stamping her foot in frustration. She didn't like being ignored. Suddenly, both boys' faces brightened as they glanced at Charlotte. They smiled.

"Hi, Charlotte dear!" they called, then grew serious and glared at the other.

"Actually, Edward," Teatime mused slowly in a cheerful voice, "I'd think that any of _my _children would most _definitely __**inhume**__. _And if by some odd happenstance they did _kill, _it would be _very _elegant. Though perhaps messy."

EVERYONE BE QUIET! Susan screeched. Everyone halted, turning to the woman of the house. She crossed her arms and glared. "Alright, let's take it from the top. _How _did this all start?"


	12. Good Morning, Susan Dear

**Author's Notes:**** Again, similar to the others, but I promise something better is coming up. Just wait........**

"Good morning, Susan dear," Teatime chirped lightly over his steaming mug of cocoa. There was a cup for her on the island, and she took it gratefully, leaning up against the counter in exhaustion. Yesternight had been a very, _very_ rough string of hours, and she was completely and absolutely worn out. Susan sighed as she sipped the sweet, chocolaty substance gratefully.

"Good morning, Jonathan," she mumbled. "Where are the demons?"

"They're playing cards in Charlotte's room," the Assassin answered cheerfully.

There was a crashing from above their heads, and their necks snapped back instinctively.

"Rather noisy game of cards," Susan mentioned dryly, before yelling. "Is everyone alive up there?! No broken bones, I presume?!"

"We're fine!" two voices chimed.

"Just playing hearts, Mother!" Edward added.

Susan shrugged.

"Well, if they're not asking for help I'm not giving it." She flinched as something shattered from up above, a distinctive _plop _sounded loudly, a snap of reality cracked, and an echo of the **Voice **filled the area.

"Are you going to go and decapitate them?" Teatime asked curiously.

"Nope. I'll let them kill themselves tonight… er, today. I'm too tired. I didn't get any sleep last night. You?"

"I don't need sleep," the Assassin chirped proudly.

"Sure you don't," Susan agreed dryly, taking another sip of the hot chocolate. "So. What's the plan for today? Anything I forgot about in my delirium?"

"You were going to cut the boys' hair," Teatime reminded her.

Susan groaned.

"Oh, you've _got _to be kidding me. Getting Johnny to sit still when he doesn't want to is like trying to have intelligent conversations with a statue." Somewhere in the disc, a gargoyle took offense. The duchess continued desperately, "And with how much Edward hates his curls, you'd think he'd like getting them sheared down. But _no._ He _hates_ it. And every little snip I have to take makes me feel like a murderer. It seems like a crime, chopping off those lovely yellow coils…" Susan shook her head. "Maybe I should put it off."

"But Susan dear," Teatime pointed out, "we've got the ball at 7:30. Johnny's hair is a shaggy mess nearing an actually _long _length, and Edward's looks like a bird's nest. We want people to think well of our children, don't we?"

"The _ball?!_" Susan wailed. "That's _today?! _Oh, Jonathan..." she moaned, pressing a hand to her forehead.

Teatime rubbed her shoulder affectionately, somehow much closer without actually moving.

"It's all right, Susan dear. Charlotte and the boys'll give them _quite _a show. All we have to do is stand back and watch. Wouldn't that be simply _brilliant, _darling? Watching _our children _unsettle them to death? Don't you think?"

Susan shook her head, smiling.

"I have to admit, that does have a certain appeal. Just imagine it…" Images of chaos and confusion filled her mind, and she smiled malevolently. "Perhaps I should leave out the spew for good behavior I was planning on giving…?"

Teatime grinned.

"I've never heard a more wonderful idea, Susan dear."

Suddenly, she began to get wary.

"Wait. _You _think it's a good idea? Since when have you and I _agreed?_"

"We both said 'I do'."

"That was almost fourteen years ago, Teatime. And I almost ran away."

There was another crash, a bang, and finally a _boom_. Charlotte, Johnny, and Edward fell down through the ceiling and landed in a twisted, dusty heap on the floor. Johnny sat up first, procuring a mutilated and most definitely _broken _hand, with a rather odd expression of confusion and curiosity plastered to his face. Charlotte came next, taking his twisted fingers delicately between hers.

"Oh, my poor sweet brother…" she said softly, then they all burst out laughing. They laughed, and they laughed and laughed and laughed, until they were all singing 'What do you do with a drunken sailor?' with arms over each other's shoulders.

Susan glanced at Teatime.

"Cards, huh?"

"That's what they _told_ me."

Charlotte stood in a flash – or rather, _was standing_. It didn't seem like there'd been an 'in between' of her on the floor and her on her feet.

"But we _were, _Mommy dear. I'm the queen of hearts," she explained, as if now everything made perfect sense.

Susan glanced up at the hole in the ceiling, then down at shrapnel in her cocoa, and finally forwards to glare at her progeny.

"Alright, let's make a deal. I won't ask any questions. I won't decapitate you all. But _clean this mess up_. You're father and I are going to… you know what, we're going out to eat. And if when I come back there's absolutely _no trace _of what happened here, your record's clean. Deal?"

The children nodded emphatically.

"Good," Susan said. "Now let's get out of here, Teatime."

He grinned, offering her an arm. Ever since the children, there were actually rare occasions with Susan where he was the _good guy._ It was tons of fun.

"With pleasure," he chirped, and led his wife out the door. Susan leaned into him, thankful for his support. How she survived these kids, she didn't know. But she was glad that Teatime was there to help her through it.

My gods. What was the world coming to?


	13. Secrets

**Author's Notes: There'll be more of the boys later; this one's setting the stage for dramatic/comical events in the future (yes, they can be combined; dramedy, as my dear sister Purple Peanutbutter has so helpfully pointed out. Mwahaha) for dear Charlotte.**

"Just where do you think you're going, Charlotte?"

Susan knew her children did as they pleased. She didn't even bother trying to stop them. She shouldn't worry about them much, though; she knew they could take care of themselves. Or at least that's what she kept telling herself. The curse of motherhood is, quite frankly, the panic. Everyday, all the time, you're worried about your children. Little things, like 'are they happy right now?', like 'did they sleep well last night?'. Big things, too – 'will they be attacked on their way back home?' 'Will they fall off that cliff?', 'will the disc send them on some raving mad adventure like it's always made me go on?'.

Thankfully, Susan _did _know that she should be fearing for the disc rather than her slightly psychotic kin, but that didn't stop the worry. However, more prominent tonight was a slight sense of betrayal. They should know by now that they needn't hide things from her. What would the point be? What did she want besides the best for them? Which brings us to the start once more.

"Just where do you think you're going, Charlotte?"

Susan's daughter froze, then turned around with a bright smile.

"Hi, Mommy! I didn't know you were there," she attempted to pipe, rather successfully.

"You can't be the wife of an Assassin for near fifteen years and _not _pick up a thing or two, can you?" Susan replied coldly, hands on hips. It was late, very late. Charlotte was exiting the Sto-Helit manor through the library glass door, which, just so happened to be near where Susan was reading.

"I suppose not," Death's great-granddaughter concurred with a tilt of the head.

"Are you going to tell me why you're sneaking out, Charlotte?" the duchess asked darkly

"I'm not sneaking from _you!_" she replied, understanding spreading over her face. "I'm sneaking from Edward and Johnny and Daddy. You're fine."

Susan felt slightly better, and a little triumphant. A slight burst of satisfaction made it to her face, but Death's granddaughter quickly strangled it so it couldn't show. She raised a brow instead.

"Oh? Well, do you mind enlightening me, then?"

"A while ago I met this boy..."

Several emotions went through Susan's head. First was understanding; no wonder her daughter didn't want the men in her life to know about this. The second was curiosity; it was unlike Charlotte to spend time with anyone who wasn't a "Sto-Helit-Teatime" beyond Death himself. The third, and most definitely the strongest, was motherly instinct kicking in.

"Has he kissed you yet?" she demanded.

Charlotte blinked.

"No."

"Fine then. But if he kisses you you're not allowed see him again."

"I'm almost sixteen, Mommy."

"Exactly. You're a _baby_."

"Mommy! I _like _him!"

Susan narrowed her eyes.

"And _I _don't even know him. Next time the boys go out bring him over for tea or something."

Charlotte brightened.

"You'll love him, Mommy dear! He's simply brilliant – "

Susan groaned, placing a hand to her head.

"Not another brilliantly broken genius!"

"He's actually very practical, Mother. He wants to be a detective," Charlotte beamed.

"Does he now?" the duchess sighed. "I guess we'll just see how this plays out, then. Be careful and... well, if you do like this boy, don't let your brothers or father know. But you already know about that."

"I do." Charlotte paused, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him earlier. I was going to... eventually. Let's not have any secrets between us again. Promise?"

"I'm up for that bargain."

"Wonderful!" Susan's daughter chimed, clapping excitedly. "You can come to my room and we'll go through all mine."

"What?" Susan blinked.

The next morning, in Charlotte's room, Death's great-granddaughter pulled out a hundred-page notebook and spent two hours telling all her secrets to her mother. Susan, later, would wish she had passed. Some things should just be kept in the head that thought them up.


	14. Easy

**Author's Notes:**** Many thanks to PP for this brilliant idea. Please don't forget to review; it makes me really really happy ;-) **

Sitting on the curb of an Ankh-Morpork street were two brothers. Their father was up among the rooftops, but boys didn't mind. It was nice, now and then, just to spend a little time with one another. They fought of course, but they really did love each other. The battle was only a game, and, deep down, they were united.

They were, after all, Sto-Helit-Teatimes.

"What about her?" Edward suggested, gesturing to a pretty girl in a rich dress – the sixth lady they had examined that night. "She's obviously very well off."

"Yes, she'd be quite a catch," Johnny agreed.

"Very difficult, too," his twin nodded.

"Nah, I think she'd be easy. The the way she's going up and talking to that man over there? She's even flirting with him."

"It looks to me like they've known one another a long time. What makes you think she'd be easy?"

"If she's so friendly I don't see how it could be hard to get close enough to her."

"But she'll have people watching out for her. A rich father, perhaps. And think of our mother. She's well off, friendly, and is still very, very dangero – " Edward cut himself off. "Oh never mind. She isn't a good example. Mother isn't friendly at all."

"I'll have to concur. Brilliant, wonderful, bold, brave, witty – but terribly crabby."

"I don't think any of us inherited that trait," Edward observed speculatively. "We're all relatively friendly, I'd think."

"A good thing, if you ask me, brother dear. Being polite is _oh _so important," Johnny grinned charmingly.

"Back to our previous discussion, if you don't mind, Johnny. Look, the man's proposing to her. I told you so."

Johnny frowned, not liking the idea of being wrong.

"I still think she'd be easy. He's rather poor, see? What if her parents are mad at her for that and wouldn't be keeping an eye on her? That would get rid of the problem of – "

"But she's wearing a rich dress, and it's very very new, which would make one think that she has _her own _money, or is being _provided _for. If she's being provided for, we can easily assume that someone is watching out for her."

Johnny sighed in defeat.

"I still think I could do it in three seconds flat."

"I say thirty. You'd have to introduce yourself first. It's the _polite _thing to do."

"You are so very right, Eddy," Jonathan Teatime nodded gravely. "I was being terribly silly. You just _have _to give your name before you inhume someone!"


	15. Stalking the Stalker

**Author's Notes:**** Katherine very much belongs to duchess-susan/octironstar. I just thought she and dear ol' Johnny would make a cute match, so here's a prelude to it. I don't know when this happens or how old he is now; it's up to you to place it in the _M:SS_ timeline.**

He knew she was a princess the moment he saw her. It was the way she carried herself; like she was queen of the world. It was the way she flicked her hair – like it was some luxurious whip that would flash in front of your eyes and dazzle you. Of course, the fine attire helped. That and the fact that she lived in a castle.

Johnny was disappointed to realize he was wrong; in fact, she wasn't a princess – only a prince's daughter. But that didn't matter. He wasn't a prince himself; only a Duchess's son. But that was alright. It wasn't like he wanted to _marry_ her. How could he want to marry anyone, to love anyone else, when he had everything he could possibly want already? He had his crabby mother, his genius father, his smart-alec brother, and of _course_ Charlotte, his perfect sister. Well, he did need a knife. But that could come later.

No, he didn't _like_ like Katherine. He wasn't even sure if he liked her at all. But there was something about her that made him follow her around now and then, when no one was looking. She seemed to think she was so perfect and lovely. He liked her smile; it was dangerous, and sharp – something dazzling that you could prick yourself on if you weren't careful. You had to be delicate and _clever_ to pass her challenge. And he _liked_ challenges.

Sometimes he would wonder how one would go about killing her. She was a vampire – he could tell by those fangs and pale complexion –, and that could make things..._ difficult_. He considered running her through with stake, but then she would only be dust, not dead, and then even if he scattered her ash she'd still be _alive._ Maybe something holy could do the trick. Perhaps reading a long chapter of gospel, dousing her with holy water, and other such things would make her slowly melt away.

But he didn't want to inhume her. Not yet, at least. Now he just wanted to watch her wander her court yard, looking so… so _different_ from anything else he'd ever seen.

He was _stalking_ the stalker. How silly was that?

Johnny Teatime grinned between branches, the prey gazing down at the huntress for once on the disc.


End file.
